The Eight Regions of JQMCBP XXIII

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What's this? March Madness has only four regions you say??? NOT ENOUGH! Announcing the EIGHT regions of JQMCBP XXIII, heretofore known as the Bracket of Enormous and Exaltant Signficance (BEES)!

Below I describe the BEES entries, region by region.

Note: LOADS OF LINKS. I am intentionally trying to waste your time, because time we have a lot of right now. Follow them! Waste time! It is your BEES duty!

The winner of the BEES will decide, once and for all...actually I have no idea. Something important? Well, what it lacks in coherence it doubly makes up for in absurdity. And away we go!

The BEES




The first BEES region is apropos for our collective existence. But have no fear, there is only one entry that's an actual virus, and Covid-19 is a 16-seed. Is this the year for a #1 seed to fall like Virginia did a few years ago? Not when your first round opponent is BBC KID . I'll give you a freebie insider pick: BBC KID is going to socially distance Covid-19 into oblivion. Take that!

The Viral Region First Round Matchups
1 BBC KID
16 Covid-19 (booooo)
8 Stuff Summer
9 A SHAAAAAARK
4 Duck Army
13 FR E SH A VOCA DO
5 Gangnam Style
12 Baby Shark


Food! We all eat it! Except for sometimes when it's something green or worse yet BEANS and yes my lovely daughters I'm talking to you EAT YOUR BRUSSEL SPROUTS! But I digress. This is the Food round, complete with important links about them. Amongst other things, it answers the age-old question "what happens when I type 'a plate of peas' into a YouTube search?"

The Food Region First Round Matchups
3 Tacos
14 Nachos
6 Cheesecake
11 Cheese Curds
7 Chocolate
10 Peanut Butter
2 Bacon
15 A Plate of Peas

My daughter Piper, age 14, is selecting all of this region. Ever the attentive father, I gave her no guidance whatsoever on this other than "just pick eight things you like". So, here are eight things Piper likes. Piper, not the Candymeister, will pick all winners in this region. Good luck!

Piper's Picks Region First Round Matchups
1 Harry Styles
16 Caribou Iced Mocha
8 The Office
9 Cats
4 Volleyball
13 Hawaii
5 Sushi
12 Noodles and Company

I know what you've been saying. These regions are fine and all, but where is my bracket of weird mammals? I KNOW, RIGHT? Look no further, here they are. From the primitive Mountain Beaver (not related to the beaver!) to the predatory Grasshopper Mouse (not related to the grasshopper!), this list is filled with oddities.

The Odd Mammals Region First Round Matchups
3 Pangolin
14 Mountain Beaver
6 Flying Fox
11 Flying Squirrel
7 Aye Aye
10 Tarsier
2 Kangaroo Rat
15 Grasshopper Mouse

What's this? Another Candymeister-Outsources-Work-To-His-Daughter Region? You betcha! In this region my daughter Carson, age 15, picks a bunch of sports highlights she loves, and then pits them against each other. Carson, not the Candymeister, will pick all winners in this region.

FAQ for Carson's Picks Region
Q: When picking winners in this region, are we picking the highlight or the athlete?
A: OMG! Who cares? You are totally overthinking this!

Carson's Picks Region First Round Matchups
1 Carli Lloyd
16 Steven Bradbury
8 Kolton Wong
9 Roger Federer
4 CC McGraw
13 Sepak Takraw
5 Steph Curry
12 McKayla Maroney

If you know me, you know that I'm just a wee bit interested in birds. But what do I like more than birds? Punk birds! Birds that look at their evolutionary dice roll and say, "No thank you! I am not interested in living like that! I would like to behave instead like a punk, with utterly no adherence to the natural order of things. Deal with it!" Punk birds are the best birds.

The Punk Birds Region First Round Matchups
3 Lammergeier
14 Shrike
6 Monkey-eating Eagle
11 Australian Magpie
7 Common Cuckoo
10 Greater Roadrunner
2 Cassowary
15 American Dipper

These cover songs feature clever takes on classic popular tunes. In each first round matchup, I'm pitting two interpretations of the same cover song. You might want to click on these links, watch, and listen. Or not! You do you!

The Cover Songs Region First Round Matchups
Africa (Toto)
1 Heavy Metal
16 Weezer
The Immigrant Song (Led Zepplin)
8 Kittens
9 SOAK
Smooth Criminal (Michael Jackson)
4 Alien Ant Farm
13 Acapella
Orion (Metallica)
5 Rodrigo y Gabriela
12 Металлика

I've been slinging this Candybar Pool for 25 calendar years now (23 pools + a two year personal hygiene hiatus; I took a super long bath), and I can't really do this absurdist bracket without a candy region, can I? I even considered doing the entire bracket as candy, but things like Duck Army, Pangolins, and Sepak Takraw were just too good to deny. So we've got eight candybars to choose from. Choose wisely, or unwisely, but choose.

No links for these. If you don't know what a Snickers is, you've been living in a cave much longer than our current cave dwelling experiences.

The Candy Region First Round Matchups
3 Twix
14 100 Grand
6 Butterfinger
11 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
7 Take 5
10 Milky Way
2 Snickers
15 Caramello

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