• Name: *|MMERGE5|*
• Candybar: *|MMERGE6|*
• Score: *|MMERGE9|* (leader is at *|MMERGE11|*)
• How many chimps are at or above your score: *|MMERGE8|*
• Rank: *|MMERGE10|*/850
• Your Bracket: Click here

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Well. We've Got A Lot To Chat About.

I usually try to get this end-of-first-round email out a little earlier but I've just spent a giant portion of my morning reading about mascots, historical mascots, and fake stories about mascots. Also making choropleths, images of fake candybars, and thinking long and hard about the edibility of something called "Toxic Waste Smog Balls".

First a little sportsball🏀 talk. The first round had a lot of notable stuff. Chase Johnston, the High Point player that hit the go-ahead winning basket against my Wisconsin Badgers, did it on his FIRST 2-POINT BASKET OF THE YEAR (he had over 60 3-pointers and is an absolute sniper from long range). Here is the EPIC play-by-play by the HPU student announcers.

16-seed Siena gave #1 Duke all they could handle before losing in a close game, and they did it by playing 4 players for all 40 minutes and 1 player for 39 minutes 50 seconds. This means that there was one player, Christian Jones, who played 10 seconds. Christian, voted 6th Player of the Year for All Siena First Round Games in 2026, nearly recorded one of the rarest feats in basketball "Club Trillion". Club Trillion is when you play for 1 minute and record no statistics at all in the box score, which gives you a 1 followed by so many zeroes. The problem is, Christian didn't play long enough to be counted as playing 1 minute. So, welcome to Club Zilch, Christian.

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So, Where Y'all From?

Where The Meister finally makes that choropleth he's been talking about forever

This map proves what was already obvious: I am HUGE in Michigan. Thank you for your support, Wolverine State, whether it's from Blackrocks Brewery in Marquette to perennial Michigan State supporters Patrick "Sparty Pants" O'Boyle and Ethan "GO GREEN" Ray to Andy "BIG KAT" Richardson in Grand Rapids to John "BIG CUP" Niyo, you are my biggest fans.

Also notable in this map, the Hater States: Louisiana, Arkansas, Wyoming, West Virginia, and Vermont. No entries. Shaking my head.

Not to just make one choropleth, instead I made a ton of them, then turned them into an animation, because of course I did. We at the Johnny Quest Memorial Candy Bar Pool Division of Useless Data Visualization and Accounts Receivable (spoiler alert: it's just me) leave no stone unturned. Here it is in all its glory:JQMCBP V to JQMCBP XXIX: The Rise of the Michiganders

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In Memoriam

Where We Mourn the Loss of Often Bizarro Mascots

Big Cat Division
Rex (Queens University) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Budget Cuts	Truman (Mizzou) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Ennui
Will D. Cat (Villanova) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Over-gorged on cheesesteak	The Tiger (yes that's its name) (Clemson) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Creepiness
Aristocat (Tennessee State) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Bizarre Gardening Accident
Big Cat His & Her Division
Kate & Willie Pride (Hofstra) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Irreconcilable Differences	TC & TK (UNI) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Stuck in an elevator
Sasha & Pete (Prairie View A&M) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Lockjaw
Animals, Miscellanious Division
Zippy (Akron) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Don't Jump! Jumped!	Finley (Long Island) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Not sure Finley exists, basically no actual pictures of them.
Bucky (Santa Clara) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Rodeo Clown Mishap	Swoop (Miami OH) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Unknown
Pick a lane division
Rowdy Raider, Rowdy Raider, and Rowdy Raider (Wright State) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Identity Crisis (seriously, they are all named Rowdy Raider)
Knights of the Round Table Division
Knightro (Central Florida) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Unhorsed in a joust.	Victor the Paladin (Furman) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Righteously unhorsed in joust.
Lancer (Cal Baptist) d. March 20, 2026 Cause: Righteously lanced in a joust.

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Losing Mascots of Yesteryear

Citrus in space

During my rather detailed deep-dive into losing mascots, I uncovered some amazing history across these institutions: past mascots that have not stood the test of time (in some cases, justifiably; in others, criminally).

Clemson University

Clemson University have not always been the Tigers. Before they adopted the big cat as their mascot, they were known as, I'm not making this up, the Country Gentleman. Not a lot of pictures are out there of this Country Gentleman, but I found this historical relic at the point of Clemson's extremely shaky transition from outdated southern plantation owner to creepy-beyond-words "The Tiger" (again, yes that's its name).

Country Gentleman

Hofstra University

The Flying Dutchmen! What's not to love? And they also moved to a big cat? C'mon Hofstra! Not cool!

Furman University

This is a completely apocryphal story but I choose to believe it to be true. Once, long ago, before they became the Paladins, Furman University were called the Furman University Christian Knights.

University of Central Florida

Last but certainly not least is the University of Central Florida Golden Knights. Before they were the Golden Knights, they were the Citronauts. Yes, you read that right. ORANGES IN SPACE!

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Whose champion bit it?

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but it never sucks worse than when the team you picked to win it all loses it all. It's even worse when I publish it for all to read!

You know you picked a bad champion when you have to make an excuse in your name. Mike 'It's my alma mater' Shanahan, I see you. GO ZIPS!

Also, shout out to dad-dad-dad-dad-dad-dad and Jank Spigot Boteko. JQMCBP welcomes all.

Here's the list:

So long suckers!

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Boo Rah Rah

I asked you if your alma mater was in the tournament. Why? So I could make fun of you when they lose!

Mike 'It's my alma mater' Shanahan speaks the truth! Also attending Akron, "Jokey" and Mike's alter ego, that didn't pick Akron to go the distance, Mike Shanahan. Go Zips indeed.

Little known fact: Dave "Toxic Waste Smog Balls" Bush holds an Associate's degree from Cal Baptist in basket weaving. GO LANCERS!

Here's the list:

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Candy Bar of the Day

Where I give out fake awards for my favorite candy selections

The Snockers Really Satisfies™ Award goes to Tim "Good ol' Fashioned Snockers" Rush. Tim is sitting in 1st place right now, and if he can hold on, he might just be tasting the delicious flavours of chokohlutt, peenutz, care-a-mel, and of course noogut. Snockers really hits the spot (but it's SO filling)!

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Enough with the crap, who's ahead?

Top 10 Humans

A 4-way tie for first at an impressive 29-for-32 after the first round. There are 12 players sitting just one point back at 28.

Our lone Alaskan Matt "Tony's Dark almond sea salt" Jones is one of those in 5th, the sole representative of a state as large as half the lower 48. Lonely, indeed. (also Hi Matt!)

Rank	Name	Location	Candy	Champion	Score
1	Barlow	Michigan	Twix	Arizona	29
1	Hayden Bier	Michigan	Reese's	Michigan State	29
1	Nancy M Friedman	Florida	Reese's peanut butter cup	Arkansas	29
1	Tim Rush	Michigan	Good ol’ Fashioned Snockers	Duke	29
5	Adam Schill	Minnesota	Big League Chew	Michigan	28
5	AJ Bowers	Wisconsin	Whatchamacallit	Arizona	28
5	Colin Morrison	Pennsylvania	Cacaosuyo — 'El Ganso'	Duke	28
5	David Needham	Illinois	Snickers	Purdue	28
5	Dustoff-57	Florida	King Size Milk Duds	Duke	28
5	Elsie Meilinger	Michigan	Twizzlers	Michigan	28
5	James Yizze	Michigan	Chunky Bar	Duke	28
5	Jim Bunda	Minnesota	Spicy Chili and Lime Dark Bar	Michigan	28
5	Karyn Lemanczyk	Wisconsin	Nerd clusters the red bag	Nebraska	28
5	Matt Jones	Alaska	Tony's Dark almond sea salt	Duke	28
5	Peter Hepburn	California	Violet Crumble	Arizona	28
5	Ryan Schraa	Wisconsin	Cookies and Cream Hershey	Houston	28
5	Tracy Niyo	Michigan	Fruition Hudson Bourbon Dark Milk	Michigan	28

Top 10 Chimps

Do you have less than 25 points? About 58% of you do! If so, congrats, Kaylee the Chimp is beating you!

Rank	Name	Location	Candy	Champion	Score
1	Kaylee	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Houston	25
2	Kenyon	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Iowa State	23
3	Aisha	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	UCLA	22
3	Arianna	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Iowa State	22
3	Dane	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Texas Tech	22
3	Isaac	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Vanderbilt	22
3	Litzy	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Wisconsin	22
3	Reynaldo	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Texas A&M	22
9	Alani	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	McNeese	21
9	Ali	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Iowa	21
9	Ariana	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Virginia	21
9	Armani	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Arizona	21
9	Diana	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Kansas	21
9	Elise	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Louisville	21
9	Guadalupe	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Villanova	21
9	Kade	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Furman	21
9	Kadin	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Troy	21
9	Kameron	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Penn	21
9	Kaydence	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	TCU	21
9	Kendrick	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Houston	21
9	Laila	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Saint Marys	21
9	Leroy	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Miami OH	21
9	Lina	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	St Johns	21
9	Ryan	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Duke	21
9	Spencer	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Arkansas	21
9	Tayler	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Florida	21
9	Victor	Rancho Cucamonga	Banana Turkish Taffy	Furman	21

cheers,
the Meister

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Linky links:

• The Leaderboard for checking out who is ahead
• What's Your J? will tell you how risky your picks were
• SSS Want to see who picked brackets similar to yours? You do??? srsly why.
• Prognosticationland for looking at some brackets
• Hall of Shame will tell you who is out of the race for candy completely

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