• Name: *|MMERGE5|*
• Candybar: *|MMERGE6|*
• Score: *|MMERGE9|* (leader is at *|MMERGE11|*)
• How many chimps are at or above your score: *|MMERGE8|*
• Rank: *|MMERGE10|*/850
• Your Bracket: Click here

Did you know the subheading in the banner at the top is always a link to something weird? Usually a YouTube video? Try it!

CORNMAGEDDON!

My sister, Abigail "Sour Flush Toilet Candy" Chungath, currently rocking it in 693rd place, is faced with quite a conundrum. The head coach of Nebraska, Fred Hoiberg, is an Ames, Iowa native, where her and I both graduated from high school (I credit Fred, same height as me but stratosopherically better talent, for helping me understand I did not have a future in basketball). Fred played his college career at Iowa State, earning the nickname "The Mayor". As Ames people, we grew up Cyclones fans. Now, Nebraska is not playing Iowa State on Thursday, but they ARE playing Iowa. And Abby holds a Bachelor's from Iowa and a Master's from Nebraska. She's lived in Nebraska and currently lives in Iowa. AHS, University of Iowa, and University of Nebraska. Three alma maters represented in a single game, it's gotta be a record. Who does she root for? I've suggested both or neither, which she's rejected in favor of...Iowa.

Whatever you do Abby, just don't root for Illinois. Nebraska and Iowa are united in this opinion.

UCOW™

Speaking of mathematically eliminated*, the UCOW™ (pronounced and yelled "YOU COW!") is JQMCBP's unique and hated Unweighted Chance Of Winning, which runs every possible bracket simulation starting with the Sweet 16, and lets you know if you have any chance of winning. It's been in place for a number of years and it remains one of the least popular features of JQMCBP. So, following the strategies in my new book "Reverse Marketing: How to Dupe the Consumer by Continually Trying to Give Them Something They Aren't That Interested In," I'll never drop it. Side note, does anyone know why this book has been stocked in the AI section of the bookstore?

In past years, I've just done a god-awful dump of all the people still alive via UCOW™ directly in the email. This year I'm proud to announce that UCOW™ has been FULLY PRODUCTIZED and is the first new tab on the JQMCBP website since SSS™ debuted in whenever that happened. Have a look through the UCOW™ Sweet Sixteen table, and head back on Saturday and Sunday to see the Elite Eight and Final Four tables, respectively. Rapidly diminishing hope in tabular form, just what nobody ever asked for ever!

Again for emphasis➡️ UCOW™! ⬅️

* we haven't been speaking of mathematically eliminated yet, but this section got promoted from the bottom of the email, just below Candybar Award of the Day, in which mathematically eliminate were the exact last two words of that section. This serves as a helpful reminder that there is so much gripping content "below the fold", so don't miss out!

Introducing μCow, the Official Moo-Cow of UCOW™

Useless Data

Is there a correlation between winning and J-factor?

A: There is not. Well, there sort is. Heck I dunno.

The JQMCBP Useless Data Visualization and Accounts Receivable Division have been hard at work producing meaningful, yet also useless, data viz to help you understand. In this first graph I plotted J2-Factor vs Final Score for 2014-2026. Humans in blue, chimps in limegreen (because banana yellow was too hard to see). The winner is denoted with a red circle, and the "perfect bracket" (the j-factor for that year if a bracket was entered that got every pick right) is represented with the vertical dashed line.

As you can see, I dunno it's pretty. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But seriously, here are my take homes from this:

• The "perfect bracket" J-factor and the winning J-factor are often a bit far apart and there are many other brackets with J-factors closer to the perfect bracket J-factor.
• However, it's clear that your J-factor should be farily close to the perfect bracket J-factor and in the 2-15 range (with a few exceptions: 2022, 2024, lookin' at you),
• Chimps have an (obviously) different distribution of J-factors compared to humans. But not always higher! Every year there are some goobers that attempt to fully lose the pool, led by the infamous Dr. Wilber Wonka. They have J-factors close to 100, well past the Chimp Army, because they're doing the reverse coin-flip thing: intentionally picking losers.
• The scatter plots are reminiscent of a murmuring of starlings.
• There are > 21,000 points graphed on this graph which is just pretty cool you have to admit. Computers! What can't they do?
• 2020 was the COVID lockdown year. There was no basketball that year, but their WAS a JQMCBP. Some labeled it "the bestest JQMCBP of all", and it featured a bracket of random stuff of The Meister's own choosing. Anyhoo, seeding was fairly nonsensical, ergo so followed nonsensical J-factors. 2020 is an outlier for that reason, left in here to show what it looks like when things go fully chaotic. Chimps and Humans, 2020 it was all the same (but in the latter case, largely weren't leaving the house).

How about another data visualization? WHY NOT. And these are box plots. Everybody loves box plots!

I think the most notable thing here is showing that chimps have a mean of pretty close to EXACTLY 50, which once again proves that the distribution of random picks produces an extremely normal distribution with the J-factor mean right at 50. That is nerdtastically cool! Also, you can easily see the Dr. Wilbur Wonka's of the world in the area at the tippy top of the bottom 25% humans line, higher than all chimps to the right.

Vanquished Mascots History 101

Of Charm Dolls and Fire Extinguishers

Saint Louis University

Miami University of Floria

Well this is quite a story. Miami's mascot is an ibis, which I respect being a bird nerd. Did you know Aussies call ibises* (ibiii?) "bin chickens"? That's not part of the story, I just think it's hilarious, especially if you hear it in your head with a thick Aussie accent. I digress. OKAY, here's the story: in 1989, Miami had an away game at Florida State. In Tallahassee, they make a big show of this Seminole Chief coming out with a flaming spear. Sebastian the Ibis decided it would be "awesome" if they smuggled a fire extinguisher into the game and attempted to douse the flaming spear. As Sebastian came on to the field during introductions, someone stopped Sebastian because they sensed the ibis to be up to shenanigans. In the ensuing fracas, Sebastian discharged the fire extinguisher...all over a sherrif's deputy. What happened next would be the stuff of legend if it was not captured on a film. Sebastian was briefly detained and "roughed up" against a fence, before the sherrif came over to the now herd of deputies and said "hey guys, this is probably a really bad look for us". Candyseekers, I give you the photo of this altercation.

Give 'em hell, Sebastian!

Whose champion bit it?

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but it never sucks worse than when the team you picked to win it all loses it all. It's even worse when I publish it for all to read!

73 of you lost your champion over the weekend, especially those backing Florida. Oopsie!

Here's the list:

So long suckers!

Boo Rah Rah

I asked you if your alma mater was in the tournament. Why? So I could make fun of you when they lose!

23 lost their alma maters over the weekend. Notables: All them Florida Huntsmans. Huntsmen? Billiken Baseball Hall of Fame Catcher Greg Rhoades (I don't really know he's in the Saint Louis U Baseball HoF, nor do I know if there even is a Saint Louis U Baseball HoF, probably not, but he did play catcher for their baseball team.)

Here's the list:

Candy Bar of the Day

Where I give out fake awards for my favorite candy selections

The This Ain't Candy Award goes to Victor "Kansas" Aaron, who I think maybe was too excited to read the important instructions on the very last form field entry that can be described with one word: "Candybar". Maybe I'm wrong, maybe Kansas is a candy. I dunno, I've been to Kansas and it didn't seem that sweet. Western Kansas in particular is quite apocalyptic and foul. I'd say I would do my best to deliver Kansas to Victor should he win, but that won't be necessary. Victor is the latest entry to the JQMCBP Hall of Shame™, reserved for those who have been mathematically eliminated.

The (totally fictional) Kansas Bar! Almost the shape of Kansas!

Enough with the crap, who's ahead?

Top 10 Humans

Top 10 Chimps

Do you have less than 25 points? About 58% of you do! If so, congrats, Kaylee the Chimp is beating you!

cheers,
the Meister

Linky links:

• The Leaderboard for checking out who is ahead
• What's Your J?™ will tell you how risky your picks were
• SSS™ Want to see who picked brackets similar to yours? You do??? srsly why.
• Prognosticationland™ for looking at some brackets
• Hall of Shame™ will tell you who is out of the race for candy completely
• UCOW™ will tell you EVEN BETTER who is out of the race for candy completely